Preparing for 5th grade sex ed
With my daughter starting 5th grade, there’s been a lot of conversations amongst the parents about the dreaded Growth and Development (Sex Ed) unit that’ll be happening this year at school.
Have you had "the talk" with your kiddo yet, and what's your plan of attack are the questions everyone’s awkwardly asking.
Which has me thinking…
... Why is it just one talk?
... Why is the talk about heteronormative sex instead of all of the ways of sex?
... How do we teach girls that their pleasure matters and they can explore what is pleasurable to them?
The relegation of sex-ed to one awkward conversation is reflective of some deeper discomfort, maybe even shame we have around the topic of sex.
In a patriarchal society that will try to tell our daughters to override their own needs, intuition, and boundaries in order to meet the expectations of the world. I want my daughter to know that it’s her body, her experience and she doesn’t owe the world anything.
And it starts with being aware that her needs matter, despite the fact she’s likely to be bombarded with messages that tell her:
... don't be frigid, but you can't love sex either
... always look young, but don't get plastic surgery
... sex is successful based only on how satisfied your partner is
... look natural, but don't have hair on your body
... assert your boundaries, but only if it doesn't make anyone else comfortable
... don't be ‘too small’ or ‘too big’
... be strong, but don't be muscle-y
... it's more important to look good than to be comfortable
... feel your feelings, but don't be too emotional
... be pretty, but not so pretty people think you are dumb
... never come across as ‘too much’!
... relax, but do everything
Which doesn’t just happen in ONE conversation.
In a world which will tell our daughters time and time again in many ways to be small, quiet, and to prioritize other people's pleasure and needs over their own, who are we NOT to remind them at every opportunity about their birthright to experience pleasure, explore and appreciate their bodies, to express themselves, their sexuality, their identity authentically, to understand and listen to their felt sense experience, to never abandon themselves no matter how many times they’re asked to override their nervous system!?
When our girls are facing a lifetime of expectations that will trap them over and over again, potentially creating deep turmoil and pain, who are we NOT to prepare them for the fact they will be endlessly tested on all these fronts by the world, by friends, family and even by our internalized biased experience of the world!?
The more I think about it. The more I appreciate how education around sex, pleasure, desire and identity is connected to addressing and beginning to heal intergenerational and decontextualized trauma in our culture.
If our girls don't get to learn more about these traps. One day they might walk into their doctor's office and finally ask about their sexual health, only for the doctor to tell her to drink a glass of wine and ‘just relax’.